On sleep

Sleep and lack thereof has pretty much dominated my life since becoming a mamma. I was never all that interested in sleep before (I've always been an early riser and not much of a napper) so while pregnant, I really didn't give the whole sleep-deprivation thing much thought. People kept saying "Catch up on your sleep now! You'll need it. Ha ha ha" and I didn't pay much attention because I thought, "I'll be fine. I don't need much sleep anyway..." Man, did I underestimate sleep deprivation. It's truly a form of torture. Here are just some random thoughts:

Dylan really was a bad sleeper from day one. He was never one of those babies who fed and then went immediately back to sleep even during the day. He would sometimes doze off but it was impossible for me to sleep when he slept (like all the books tell you to do) because his sleeping patterns were so random and he never slept for long. Plus, I'm not one of those head-hits-the-pillow sleepers like Cristiano is. And I can't "sleep anywhere." All conditions have to be right - extremely dark room, no noise, on my stomach with my head turned to the left and pillows positioned just so. No matter how exhausted I am, it probably takes me a good hour just to fall asleep. So I was a sleep-deprivation disaster waiting to happen.

I also don't think I took into consideration how tiring taking care of a baby really is. And breastfeeding. I think breastfeeding was more difficult and more exhausting than pregnancy. I was already so tired and then with every feeding (and Dylan fed A LOT), I'd literally feel exhausted every time he started sucking on my breast. I guess that's normal because of the hormones released into your bloodstream when you feed. But that was just a double whammy. I'm glad I breastfed for six months but, if I have to be honest, I don't miss it. And despite being the world's most enthusiastic breastfeeder, strangely, Dylan has never, ever reached for my breast since we stopped. When the breastfeeding fanatics - and here if you formula feed, you have to hide in shame - get on me for stopping at six months I shut them up immediately with "I had post-partum depression and had to stop breastfeeding so I could take anti-depressants and be a functioning mother to my son." People are so taken aback by my startling frankness, they don't know how to respond. That'll teach you to mind your own damn business.

I've also noticed at the play group that the babies who still breastfeed at this age seem to be a bit more "mammoni." Like if they fall and get hurt and start crying, they won't calm down until put on the breast. Dylan falls, cries and then keeps on playing after a couple of pats on the back. This doesn't have much to do with sleep but I just have to say that I'm happy with my decision to stop, have no regrets and don't feel like Dylan and I are any less close. If anything, we are closer because I'm much more relaxed and not so agitated and exhausted from feeding every ninety minutes to every two hours around the clock.

I'm thinking about this because last night Dylan slept at his grandparents' so that mom and dad could go see a movie (Vicky Cristina Barcelona - very cute but, unfortunately, our only option was to watch it dubbed into Italian). We went to the late show so we didn't get to bed until around 2 a.m. Nonetheless, I woke up naturally this morning at 7 a.m., got up and feel fine. I was thinking about why that is. If Dylan had kept me up until 2 am. and then woke me up at 7 a.m., I'd be exhausted and cranky. I think it's because I'm just following my natural rhythm. Plus I was able to pad out to the kitchen leisurely, make myself a cup of tea and get on my computer just like the old days. If Dylan were here, by now I would have already changed two diapers, changed his clothes (twice if he spit up on himself), fed him and be chasing him all over the house trying to keep him out of trouble. And would not have had my cup of tea yet. Anyway, enough "me" time. I want to call nonna and get Dylan back home!